Heartsong One: Windows to the Soul

During our decade-long journey to adopting our daughter, there were many heartaches, disappointments, valleys, stained-glass window, church window, stained-glass, colored glass, old church, heart songquestions. At the darkest times, I poured out my honest thoughts before the Lord. Comfort often came in unexpected ways, in unexpected places. And, when the time was right after waiting on Him and holding fast, He answered our prayer for a little girl. Today I read someone’s blog who is right now dealing with the disappointment, the pain, the closed doors. This is for you. Keep believing! Keep hoping! Keep praying! Don’t give up!


Heartsong One

Why did I pray for a miracle?

Why did I fast?

Why did I hold fast, hang on, keep hoping?

Why did I pray believing

and believe that You had answered?

Why does my heart hurt so bad?

Why does my stomach feel so sick?

Why must we pray and pray and pray believing and hoping that

All things are possible?

Why can’t I give up?

Why was the little child sitting all alone on the cold, hard earth?

Why did the old woman beg and hunger and weep?

When do they sleep?

stained-glass window, church window, stained-glass, colored glass, old church, heart song, crossWhy does it have to be?

Why do I keep on hoping when it seems so hopeless?

Why do I dream?

Why do I desire?

Can’t I live without this?

Couldn’t it have stayed buried where I put it many months ago?

Why did the desire resurface?

Why does it hurt to be consoled with other things, other hopes, by others who

Do not understand?

But You understand.  Don’t you?

Did You die a thousand deaths when they hung you on the tree?

When the blood flowed from your side,

And you cried,

“My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?”

Did you feel my pain, my tears?

Did you feel abandoned by the One who gave you life,

By the One who taught you how to dream, the One who gave you hope?

Did you feel He could not hear you,

was not near you?

Did you fear, for just a moment that he may never look upon you again?

And, that he would never say, “This is my Son, whom I love

And with whom I am pleased?”

Were you afraid of the enemy?

Even knowing that perfect love casts out All fear,

Did you ever feel afraid?

Did you ever feel defeated, even though you knew you’d win … in the end?stained-glass window, church window, stained-glass, colored glass, old church, heart song, hosanna

Did your puppy ever die or a lamb

or a dream?

When Lazarus died and you cried and you raised him,

Did you feel Mary’s pain?

When John died and you heard the news, did you cry?

Did you wonder why?

Did it make you sad?  Were you angry?  Did it hurt?

When you felt abandoned and forsaken by the Father,

Did you think the pain would never end?

Did you lose hope?

Did you think the enemy had won?

(Even though you knew he wouldn’t win in the end).

Did you feel defeated? Did you feel wilted and shriveled?

Did your dream die?  Did you cry?  Did you feel my tears . . .

From well before my years began to be?

When Hannah cried out to You, as if in a drunken stupor,

What made you hear her prayer?

When Hagar ran away and cried, you heard her, too.

When you gave Sarah, Isaac, and Elizabeth, John, in their old ages,

Were their dreams fulfilled?

Had they been praying and crying for many years?

Why did it take so long?  Why?

And did Mary cry when you were crucified?

Did she think her dream had died?

Are You here, now?  Do you hear me when I pray?

When will the Comfort come?  When will joy take over?

Can I crawl into a hole and come out the other side free from the

Weight, the heaviness in my heart?

Can I lay it all down once and for all and believe that I will never

Feel this desire, this dream,

this hurt again?

I laid it down months ago and wanted to desire nothing

Besides You.

And I was sincere.

And joy returned.

Why did the desire come back?

Can I accept that You know and want what’s best for me . . .And can I put it all behind me and go on?

Can I finally cease waiting and wanting and longing for and desiring?

Or must I carry this always?  Is this a cross I must bear?

Is this to be a thorn in my flesh attacking me, provoking me,

Hurting me always?

Is it there to remind me of my pride?

Is it there to remind me how you suffered for me and died?

Can I have a different dream?

Can I have a new prayer to pray for and believe in?

Is there one that You will answer?

Can you show me Your desire?

Can you make it my desire?

Does it have to take too long?

Do I have to love too much?

Can it be fulfilled?


And you said, “Come to me all who are weary and heavy laden and I will give you rest.”

Here I am.

I have come.

I am weary and heavy laden.

Do you have rest for my soul, today? Tomorrow?  Until You return?

Do you see me now, even now, as I pour out my soul to You?

Do you hear me now, even now, as my heart groans?

Will you touch me, touch my spirit, in a way only You can?

 I’ll be waiting for You…

(by: DH Stewart—1/13/2003)

I hope you were blessed by this excerpt from my book Nine Year Pregnancy: Waiting on God–Our Journey of Adoption (click here to find out about the book).  Or, click here to read the Preface.

Order now an autographed copy from the author — or from your favorite online bookstore.

If you liked this, see also this excerpt from my book Three Days at Sea:



And see: Another Friend’s Baby Shower (Is it okay to be angry?)

Adoption Videos on YouTube

Click here to view Delana’s YouTube Channel–http://www.youtube.com/user/9yrpregnancy Or, click the following for individual videos: Perseverance, Patience, Waiting, and Adoption http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wtCRjxjocpI Reading the Preface to Nine Year Pregnancy http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R8MBjWC8Z_8 Singing “God Will make this trial a blessing” …

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10 thoughts on “Heartsong One: Windows to the Soul

  1. You have no idea how badly I needed this TODAY. I haven’t made it “blog official” yet, but we are moving forward. The Lord has spoken to our hearts in recent months, and we’re turning a new chapter in our adoption journey. We have a new homestudy today. The social worker will be here any minute. I needed this so badly. We’re going to foster to adopt. I pray with all my heart that our baby is waiting very soon for us in this. You touched my heart, and I cried and nodded the entire time I read this. Thank you so much.

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